We go fairly consistently to one particular park. Not only does it have a fairly adequate play structure in terms of fun, but it's also a dumping ground for everyone's unwanted toys. There are bikes, cars, play kitchens, ect... all over the place and, one would think it ought to be a place you could sit back and let your child run rampant.
One would think.
I tend to sit back on a picnic blanket and read, write, or knit. I trust that K will come find me if he needs my assistance, and I trust that he's not some sort of mean-spirited child who wants to hurt others.
It's rare that I see any other mothers doing this. I really and truly don't get it.
I don't really WANT K to be dependent on me for his protection, his fun, his creativity, ect... Those are all great parenting qualities, and I DO hope that I provide them when needed, but at the park? When there's something like a hundred other little children to play with? And toys? And sand and water?
The thing is, I DO play with K at the park if there's no one else there. Or if I can tell he's bored or if he asks me to participate more directly. But I don't see other parents doing that.
Instead, they come to the park with the intention of following behind their kid and intercepting whenever there's the slightest indication of...well...anything.
You can tell that the kids would rather their parents disappeared for a bit. Especially as one of the most common spots to play is underneath the main play structure where adults CAN'T reach them.
The parents even acknowledge that their children have just run under a wooden play structure to get away from them and they STILL don't sit back!
Seriously.
It probably shouldn't bother me as much as it does except that it makes me feel as though I should be on guard. If K falls...which does happen...other mothers SWOOP in (literally...you can feel the breeze!) and start offering all sorts of comfort and calling around for his Mum. Meanwhile, K is frantically trying to get away from them but they WON'T physically let go of him because, to their eyes, he has just had a horrible fall and certainly can't be alright.
I'm not kidding this has happened several times.
One time, K came running toward me from across the park with THREE mothers following on his heels. He was a bit frantic, I gave him a hug, and he managed to say, "Make Ladies Stop". At this point, the other women had come up on us and one asked me, fairly rudely, if this was my child. I said yes, as K clung tightly to me looking away from them. She then announced that he had fallen. I turned to K and asked if he had fallen, and he nodded yes and described REALLY WELL how he had fallen. I asked if he was alright and he said "Yup" and ran off to play. The other Mothers were APPALLED that I didn't do more.
*sigh*
If my kid isn't upset, then I'm not going to MAKE him upset by making a bigger deal out of a fall than it is!
But, more often, I have to be on guard about the whole sharing thing. Which is ludicrous. This park is filled with toddlers who are being CONSTANTLY yelled at by their parents to share this and that...to give turns...to take turns...to wait for turns. K shares more often than not, but everyone gets so uptight about it that I feel as though I need to have an eye open for ANY and ALL altercations that involve some other parents perception of what constitutes 'good' sharing.
And, lastly, there's the whole thing where everyone treats their child as though they're incapable of fending for themselves. Sometimes K is rough about grabbing toys, or playing in the sand near smaller children. The parents WIG out because god forbid their child get any sand in their hair...
Idk, whenever I talk about this it sounds as though I'm advocating a Lord of the Flies situation, which I'm not, but I strongly believe in first giving children the chance to work through whatever presents itself as a problem. EVEN if one of the children is much younger.
And by that, I mean, before I jump in to smooth out a toy situation where K was the aggressor, I expect the other child to let me know that what was done to him or her was undesirable. Even a baby can speak up for themselves with a cry or a sad face directed towards K.
Because, it's very hard to explain why something was a not so nice thing to do when the other involved child isn't displaying ANY sign of being bothered. Instead, it's their parents who are taking the role of protection a bit too seriously (in my opinion) and speaking for their child because it seemed like a bad thing IN THEIR EYES.
So, in sum, going to the park is not as chill as it really should be. It's a lot of work even when I'm sitting back knitting, and I can't help but attribute it to my uncomfortableness with mainstream parenting.
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Peers
These days, K doesn't do to well with kids his own age. I'm not really sure what the hang-up is, but it really seems as though he just can't stand to deal with his own age group. Is that a real thing?
He's SO happy to play with older boys and girls, and all the little sharing issues, and squabbles over who can do what with what that manifest themselves among his peers seem to disappear the moment he finds an older child to play with. He actively engages the older children (ages 4-6) in games of chase and tag, and he'll happily play the role of a baby for the older girls who want to play 'house'. It's super cute, but also a little odd.
I think his preference is so strong towards older children because they lack the 'hovering' parent. They tend to run wild over the playgrounds and engage in imaginative play that doesn't have room for a shadowing adult. So, maybe they seem more free and fun? His age group always seems to be encumbered by an anxious caretaker who steps in the moment one child seems displeased with another. It's frustrating to watch because I, obviously, hold the stance that children (especially those in, roughly, the same age group!) are nine times out of ten, perfectly capable of working out their differences without the assistance of an adult. But, it seems that's a minority viewpoint.
Of course, I might feel differently if my kid didn't know HOW to stand up for himself! A vital skill that is seemingly crushed by mainstream parenting. When did speaking your own mind, and refusing to allow another child to take a thing physically from your hand become punishable behavior! Why do we think that children will learn to share and work together peacefully if they are never allowed the opportunity to discover the benefits of these interactions themselves...and PARTICULARLY in comparison with anti-sharing and fighting...something that's simply not allowed for most children.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Of Slides
Perhaps it's all the close space of living in a studio while sick, or maybe it's sure feeling that we'll be sticking around...for a little while...but whatever the case, we have finally begun to look for an apartment. We're fairly particular this go around. We have a certain area in mind, a certain proximity of nearness to public transportation and a favorite park, and an awareness that this will all lend to a lengthy search. It's alright though...the weather is gorgeous, I'm happy enough spending my days at the park, and N is enjoying the live poker scene. We're busy, we're happy, we're back to building up our nest egg, and wishing for more living space seems silly in the face of all that goodness.
While at the park, I had a bit of a run-in with two mothers who seemed a bit freaked by K's rambunctious use of one of the slides. To be fair, he was sending a plastic replica toy lawnmower down the slide, BUT we were loudly announcing our intentions, and I was keeping a keen eye out for anyone who might get hurt by K's experiment. One little kid came over and 'tattled' on me to his father and announced "Nothing down the Slide!" Apparently, these women were weirded out that I would allow my kid to DO such a thing in the first place, so they stood around loudly saying things like, "YES...that WOULD be a good rule." or "Maybe he doesn't KNOW that's a good rule."
*sigh*
So I stood around saying things like, "Do you want to do it again, K?"
*giggle*
Until FINALLY, this nice dad stepped in and said to both the women AND the little boy who was rather appalled by the whole thing...that "...it might be a good rule to watch out for YOURSELF."
*heheheee*
Seriously people...sending things safely down a slide is NOT going to kill anyone...or hurt anyone...or illustrate some example of astonishing recklessness that will forever scar your child.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Obedient Children
So, there's a pretty awesome article up on Attachment Parenting.org that seems to have everyone in a tizzy. Titled, I Am Not Raising Obedient Children, it articulates my own thoughts on the subject perfectly.
I do not want a passively obedient child. I want a child who thinks for himself and chooses his actions out of preference rather than my say-so. That might mean that he learns socially appropriate behaviors by FIRST acting (as others would call it) disobediently. So, like the author of this excellent article, I would indeed prefer my child act disobediently and question my authority.
The comments accompanying this post are, to me, somewhat alarming. It seems that everyone has the same belief; given half a chance, every toddler in the known world will instantly run into the street and die. Avoiding this future is then the primary reason most parents discipline their children and practice a punishment and reward system of behavior modification. Seriously?
The street?
Why is it always the street. Parents seem deathly afraid of the street, and I really can't figure it out. I've mentioned we're car-less? Yes, well, my two year old doesn't seem very keen on playing in the street, and he's never once been punished or disciplined regarding proper roadside behaviors. Yes, when he was younger, he liked to dart into the street. Mostly because he didn't understand the differentiation between a sidewalk and a road. I was mindful of this fact, and kept a close eye on him as we walked to and fro our differing destinations. Sometimes, I had to chase him down. Sometimes, we just talked about the road and cars, and the danger I saw. Sometimes, we noticed dead animals along the side of the road and they served as excellent natural examples of why I 'preferred' K walk only on the sidewalk.
It took time. Months in fact, but today, he walks the sidewalk without holding my hand. He stops of his on volition at every cross street and carefully waits for me before continuing across. He notices the cross-walk signals, and even juts his hand out in a stop motion if he feels that a car is edging too much while we cross. He's not quite two and half.
So, the road people? Really...that's the best excuse for why one should utilize punishments and rewards. It seems a bit weak to me.
The other comment I saw often mentioned was that our children must learn to respect authority because there are certain instances where the parent or caretaker can foresee a dangerous reaction BEFORE the child. Or, they can understand the harm being done by the child's action better than the child...or maybe they just have a better grasp upon compassion than said child. For example, the undesirable behaviors of hitting, biting, or other physical actions that might cause harm to themselves.
So, I don't punish these behaviors, and, so far, we've yet to really experience anything like these. And, honestly, if my kid wanted to hit other children, or otherwise physically harm them, I'd be too alarmed at the emotional state of my child WHO WANTS TO HURT PEOPLE to even consider punishing him. So...I'm not sure what else there is to say about that, but before punishing your child for harming another, maybe the parent's role should be to first understand WHY their child WANTS to hurt said child?
As for climbing too high, or running into the street, or some other action K might undertake that I might foresee has a dangerous consequence, I TELL HIM what I see. I explain how his chosen action might end, and present other choices of behavior or action that might be safer. If he still prefers the dangerous activity, then I either stand by until needed (if he's climbing something high, ect..) or physically remove him from the danger (like a moving car on the road). And, frankly, there's not much trouble with this type of behavior. NOR, do I consider this sort of exploratory, testing-limits, style of behavior to be bad. I think it's good and healthy and simply requires a mindful physical presence on my part. Not too hard really.
And finally, folks seem to think that it's best that we get children used to listening and obeying an authority figure early on because that's just how life works. We don't get to do whatever it is we want to do when we grow up, so why on earth would we teach that this is true to our children?
Well, if you are an anarchist like me, then you DO actually want your child to grow up and see the difference between a free state and a regulated adulthood. And, if you're not an anarchist, then doesn't it at least bother you a teeny tiny bit that you're squashing some part of your child's innate personality and human construct just because. Just because that's...how things are done? hmmm...it's certainly worth some thought.
I do not want a passively obedient child. I want a child who thinks for himself and chooses his actions out of preference rather than my say-so. That might mean that he learns socially appropriate behaviors by FIRST acting (as others would call it) disobediently. So, like the author of this excellent article, I would indeed prefer my child act disobediently and question my authority.
The comments accompanying this post are, to me, somewhat alarming. It seems that everyone has the same belief; given half a chance, every toddler in the known world will instantly run into the street and die. Avoiding this future is then the primary reason most parents discipline their children and practice a punishment and reward system of behavior modification. Seriously?
The street?
Why is it always the street. Parents seem deathly afraid of the street, and I really can't figure it out. I've mentioned we're car-less? Yes, well, my two year old doesn't seem very keen on playing in the street, and he's never once been punished or disciplined regarding proper roadside behaviors. Yes, when he was younger, he liked to dart into the street. Mostly because he didn't understand the differentiation between a sidewalk and a road. I was mindful of this fact, and kept a close eye on him as we walked to and fro our differing destinations. Sometimes, I had to chase him down. Sometimes, we just talked about the road and cars, and the danger I saw. Sometimes, we noticed dead animals along the side of the road and they served as excellent natural examples of why I 'preferred' K walk only on the sidewalk.
It took time. Months in fact, but today, he walks the sidewalk without holding my hand. He stops of his on volition at every cross street and carefully waits for me before continuing across. He notices the cross-walk signals, and even juts his hand out in a stop motion if he feels that a car is edging too much while we cross. He's not quite two and half.
So, the road people? Really...that's the best excuse for why one should utilize punishments and rewards. It seems a bit weak to me.
The other comment I saw often mentioned was that our children must learn to respect authority because there are certain instances where the parent or caretaker can foresee a dangerous reaction BEFORE the child. Or, they can understand the harm being done by the child's action better than the child...or maybe they just have a better grasp upon compassion than said child. For example, the undesirable behaviors of hitting, biting, or other physical actions that might cause harm to themselves.
So, I don't punish these behaviors, and, so far, we've yet to really experience anything like these. And, honestly, if my kid wanted to hit other children, or otherwise physically harm them, I'd be too alarmed at the emotional state of my child WHO WANTS TO HURT PEOPLE to even consider punishing him. So...I'm not sure what else there is to say about that, but before punishing your child for harming another, maybe the parent's role should be to first understand WHY their child WANTS to hurt said child?
As for climbing too high, or running into the street, or some other action K might undertake that I might foresee has a dangerous consequence, I TELL HIM what I see. I explain how his chosen action might end, and present other choices of behavior or action that might be safer. If he still prefers the dangerous activity, then I either stand by until needed (if he's climbing something high, ect..) or physically remove him from the danger (like a moving car on the road). And, frankly, there's not much trouble with this type of behavior. NOR, do I consider this sort of exploratory, testing-limits, style of behavior to be bad. I think it's good and healthy and simply requires a mindful physical presence on my part. Not too hard really.
And finally, folks seem to think that it's best that we get children used to listening and obeying an authority figure early on because that's just how life works. We don't get to do whatever it is we want to do when we grow up, so why on earth would we teach that this is true to our children?
Well, if you are an anarchist like me, then you DO actually want your child to grow up and see the difference between a free state and a regulated adulthood. And, if you're not an anarchist, then doesn't it at least bother you a teeny tiny bit that you're squashing some part of your child's innate personality and human construct just because. Just because that's...how things are done? hmmm...it's certainly worth some thought.
Monday, May 2, 2011
A few Shocking Moments
This past weekend, N and I accidentally walked in on a modern-day sweat shop. It was a fairly awkward moment...dozens of immigrant women halted in the middle of their sewing to stare in clear alarm at our intrusion. We all stared at each other for a long moment, before we apologized for the intrusion and ran out the door. I'm well aware that 'sweat shops' still exist, but it was rather shocking to find one downstairs from a community resource center in downtown San Francisco. It was most definitely not a place I could ever imagine working...for any wage really, although I will admit that it was clean, only moderately "too warm", and there didn't appear to be a ruthless boss hanging around anywhere. Maybe modernization has extended to the sweat shops as well?
On the news last night, N and I watched hundreds and thousands of people cheering over the news that Osama Bin Laden had been killed by American troops. Seriously? Isn't that a little creepy? A little propagandized to place 9-11 squarely on the shoulders of one man and then hunt him down for nearly a decade? AND THEN, to have open celebrations by the masses over his murder? Shocking.
Last night, I wanted K to come to bed with me a bit earlier than he's been going down. I was tired from a busy day out, and his Curious George show was playing a bit too loudly for me to get to sleep, so I asked him to turn it off and come to bed. He responded by opening his hand in a high five motion and saying, "Actually, five more minutes on." Shocking to find that my son has already developed a strong taste for bartering. (AND that he used "actually" and "five minutes" correctly!)
On the news last night, N and I watched hundreds and thousands of people cheering over the news that Osama Bin Laden had been killed by American troops. Seriously? Isn't that a little creepy? A little propagandized to place 9-11 squarely on the shoulders of one man and then hunt him down for nearly a decade? AND THEN, to have open celebrations by the masses over his murder? Shocking.
Last night, I wanted K to come to bed with me a bit earlier than he's been going down. I was tired from a busy day out, and his Curious George show was playing a bit too loudly for me to get to sleep, so I asked him to turn it off and come to bed. He responded by opening his hand in a high five motion and saying, "Actually, five more minutes on." Shocking to find that my son has already developed a strong taste for bartering. (AND that he used "actually" and "five minutes" correctly!)
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Ageism in Parenting
There's a fairly excellent post up right now at Demand Euphoria, that has me all riled up about the inequities mainstream parenting place upon children. If you haven't read the post yet, let me briefly summarize:
Adult woman and mother is forgetful, she happens to forget her keys to both the car and the house and ends up stuck on her front porch in the rain with no way to get herself and her children in either the car or house. She calls her mother and discovers that the second house key is with her mother. Her mother,naturally, drops everything and rushes the key over to her daughter. No big deal right?
EXCEPT when it applies to children as the blogger reiterates with her tale of attending a parenting conference where parents were encouraged to REFUSE to bring anything their children had forgotten to them when at school or class.
Seriously?
Of course, the parenting rationality behind all of this is that, somehow, children will never learn to remember their necessary items unless put in situations where they will suffer due to their forgetfulness. Such as say, their lunch...or sports equipment.
You must be kidding me.
Why do we place such ridiculous expectations on our young? Why are they supposed to sit still, learn what we deem important, eat the food we choose for them, sleep by our bedtimes, refrain from loud noises, and, in sum, respect adults (specifically their parents) as THE authority over their own lives until the magical lawful age of adulthood?!
Yes, ideally, I hope that K happens to be very good at keeping track of his things, BUT, I in no way expect him to be perfect. I'M not perfect...why would I possibly expect such from my child?
But, beyond THAT, why would I possibly WANT my child to suffer in order to learn a lesson that will be (I guarantee!) learned in it's own time without my playing a harsh role?
Adult woman and mother is forgetful, she happens to forget her keys to both the car and the house and ends up stuck on her front porch in the rain with no way to get herself and her children in either the car or house. She calls her mother and discovers that the second house key is with her mother. Her mother,naturally, drops everything and rushes the key over to her daughter. No big deal right?
EXCEPT when it applies to children as the blogger reiterates with her tale of attending a parenting conference where parents were encouraged to REFUSE to bring anything their children had forgotten to them when at school or class.
Seriously?
Of course, the parenting rationality behind all of this is that, somehow, children will never learn to remember their necessary items unless put in situations where they will suffer due to their forgetfulness. Such as say, their lunch...or sports equipment.
You must be kidding me.
Why do we place such ridiculous expectations on our young? Why are they supposed to sit still, learn what we deem important, eat the food we choose for them, sleep by our bedtimes, refrain from loud noises, and, in sum, respect adults (specifically their parents) as THE authority over their own lives until the magical lawful age of adulthood?!
Yes, ideally, I hope that K happens to be very good at keeping track of his things, BUT, I in no way expect him to be perfect. I'M not perfect...why would I possibly expect such from my child?
But, beyond THAT, why would I possibly WANT my child to suffer in order to learn a lesson that will be (I guarantee!) learned in it's own time without my playing a harsh role?
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
In What Bizarro World...?
I believe we are all aware of the 'baby' swings found at most playgrounds. They don't appear particularly dangerous do they?
The other day, I took K down to a local park we often frequent that is populated primarily by grad or doctorate students studying from abroad...along with the local neighborhood crew of upper middle class, educated women and their own little ones. Nearly everyone has some association with the local university and the (presumed) sum intelligence of these people has always given me hope that one day I will meet a fellow mother who I can truly befriend.
In any case, the incident that occurred the other day was this: A young girl of about 4 or 5 years climbed into one of the available 'baby' swings and began swinging herself using the physical force of her body and the in-out motion of her legs. Finding this a bit dull and 'ordinary', she carefully pulled herself into a standing position and using the power of her body continued to swing. A fellow father and I observed her the entire time and saw no danger in her actions. However, when her own father came round the bend, he seemed shocked at her self-sufficiency and creativeness. Harping on the point of safety, and physical endangerment, he forced her to get out of the swing exclaiming, "In what Bizarro world does that seem like a good thing to do?! Never EVER do that again!"
And while all this was ridiculous enough to have me rolling my eyes, the verbal agreements among most of the other parents was just shocking. K is 2, and he has swung standing up a few times in a normal swing...possibly a bit dangerous, but the point is that I TRUST he will not undertake something he cannot handle. Perhaps children really are so vastly different that one subset will routinely undertake actions that will actually lead to physical harm and/or death if not prevented by their caretakers, but, from my observation of children, I'd have to say this is not a natural trait. Rather, it is one CREATED by the very parents who will not allow their child any permissible level of endangerment in their play and exploration.
It bothers me a lot because for what purpose are we quashing children's natural tendencies to explore and manipulate their environment...PARTICULARLY their PLAY environment?! As one older man remarked to me when K tripped on the pavement while running and ended up with a scratched knee, "you hardly see a scratched knee anymore." Personally, I'm not so sure that is a good thing if it comes at the expense of suffocating your child's natural tendencies.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
I Am a Voluntaryist
I am what is known as a Voluntaryist. I believe that human interactions should be voluntary and free from violence and/or the threat of violence. In simple terms, I am an anarchist who supports strong property rights, capitalism, and believes that the State is a monopoly of force and oppression that should no longer exist.
I am also a mother, a lover, and a woman who has entrepreneurial dreams of financial prosperity and self-sustainability. How do all these things relate to one another, how do they WORK with my base philosophical belief that all human interaction ought to be voluntary? This blog is a place for me to figure that out and share with you, my readers, the insufferable oppressions of government.
I am 23 years old and while that may seem very young for one with such firm (and extreme) philosophical beliefs, I assure you that I have seen a good bit of government intervention, force, coercion, and violent threat upon both myself, my family, and others. I have come to my voluntaryist tendencies purely through observance of the most simplistic and non-violent examples of human interaction. This is not a pie in the sky dream, this is real.
I have a young toddler. He has been a light in my partner and I's life ever since his conception, and I have strong belief in parenting with an eye on freedom. I want my son to realize his autonomy at the earliest age possible. I don't believe in 18 as a magical age of maturity; throughout his childhood with me, I want K to be challenged to choose for himself, to learn that which matters TO HIM, to realize the affect his actions have upon others without the fetters of rules, and to voluntarily interact with whomever he wishes. I want him to learn to say Yes and No on his own and stand up for his beliefs irregardless of the government fallout. As such, I would say that I parent a bit differently than most.
My partner supports our family through poker. That's right, I'm essentially 'married' to a professional gambler. It can be a crazy roller-coaster of a ride, but it keeps us self-sustainable which is of primary importance to a family calling for an end to the State.
I hope I can pass on my philosophies to others, but whatever the case, I hope that I can facilitate some constructive conversations. I welcome whatever comments/emails you can send my way, and I look forward to journaling life as I see it.
I am also a mother, a lover, and a woman who has entrepreneurial dreams of financial prosperity and self-sustainability. How do all these things relate to one another, how do they WORK with my base philosophical belief that all human interaction ought to be voluntary? This blog is a place for me to figure that out and share with you, my readers, the insufferable oppressions of government.
I am 23 years old and while that may seem very young for one with such firm (and extreme) philosophical beliefs, I assure you that I have seen a good bit of government intervention, force, coercion, and violent threat upon both myself, my family, and others. I have come to my voluntaryist tendencies purely through observance of the most simplistic and non-violent examples of human interaction. This is not a pie in the sky dream, this is real.
I have a young toddler. He has been a light in my partner and I's life ever since his conception, and I have strong belief in parenting with an eye on freedom. I want my son to realize his autonomy at the earliest age possible. I don't believe in 18 as a magical age of maturity; throughout his childhood with me, I want K to be challenged to choose for himself, to learn that which matters TO HIM, to realize the affect his actions have upon others without the fetters of rules, and to voluntarily interact with whomever he wishes. I want him to learn to say Yes and No on his own and stand up for his beliefs irregardless of the government fallout. As such, I would say that I parent a bit differently than most.
My partner supports our family through poker. That's right, I'm essentially 'married' to a professional gambler. It can be a crazy roller-coaster of a ride, but it keeps us self-sustainable which is of primary importance to a family calling for an end to the State.
I hope I can pass on my philosophies to others, but whatever the case, I hope that I can facilitate some constructive conversations. I welcome whatever comments/emails you can send my way, and I look forward to journaling life as I see it.
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