Life is going along as usual. A bit of poker here and there, a bit of playing at the park, a bit of cooking, and more Dora the Explorer than seems sane. Not that I exactly dislike Dora...it's more that we've been overhearing the same episode long enough for K to now know all the words to the entire episode and repeat them along with Dora. What's worse, is that N and I aren't too far behind!
We started giving K unlimited access to shows back in Hawaii when he would have been around 18 months old. At first, it bothered me; He developed an infatuation with Caillou (an animated show about a little 4 year old boy and his family), to the point that he would refuse to leave the house in favor of watching Caillou. Once this show began interfering with his daily life and activities that I KNEW he enjoyed, I started to feel that there needed to be limits surrounding his show exposure.
It was right about this time that I stumbled upon 'radical unschooling', which basically suggests that children be given the same freedoms as adults and that our role as parents is to foster their autonomy as much as possible. As with all parenting movements, not everyone who calls themselves radical unschoolers fits one mold. Some families will limit tv exposure but allow full freedom in all other areas of life...others will keep a few boundary rules and expect their children to respect them. But, what's pertinent to this blog post is that a majority of radical unschoolers feel that their is no need for limits to shows/tv.
It's a radical idea. Yes, lots of children zone in front of the tv to an unhealthy extent, but if you take a closer look, you'll find that most of these children attend structured schools. They spend 8+ hours a day in a structured environment that, at times, can be very stressful. When they come home, they look to the tv as a form of relaxation. Unless we go out of our way to avoid this interaction, we all are guilty of having done this at some point in our lives. We treat movies, videos, tv, as a visual form of relaxation...a de-stressor from our lives. And children who are growing and developing in rigid, authoritative environments have the same need for relaxation. It just so happens that they center around the tv.
To contrast, most unschooling families find that their children (even the very young) merely go through phases of interest in the tv or computer...wherever they are able to watch shows. Given the freedom to do whatever they would like (within doable reason!) whenever they like, these children often have no NEED for tv. Instead, they are attracted to it merely as a viable form of entertainment. They will fall in and out of love with shows and videos purely for their entertainment value. So, when K was obsessed with Caillou, he found it more interesting and entertaining than the park, than the beach, than shopping for groceries. It was wrong of me to assume that the park was still the more entertaining alternative!
Sure enough, once he had had his fill of Caillou, the computer became lonely in its corner as K found life around him to, once more, be more entertaining and fulfilling. We would occasionally introduce him to new shows we happened upon and thought he might like, and of course, he was welcome to request anything, but it wasn't until we found shows of Kipper the Dog that he really retained an interest in sitting for a show.
That phase lasted for a month or two, and then K (once again) abandoned his computer. It's actually been a while since he's gone through any similar phase. He prefers to play with his train track, or paint, or be read to than sit for a show. But, yesterday he watched one particular episode of Dora (which he requested rather out of the blue) over and over. He's still watching the same episode with the same amount of fervor, but he's already beginning to bounce around the house again, or bring toys into his tent to play with as he watches.
It's just fascinating to see such a clear example of how giving your child the maximum amount of freedom and autonomy over himself can lead him to make the very choices you, as a parent, might prefer. (after all, you are hoping your child makes the choices in life that will give him the maximum happiness and BEST quality of life, right?)
I like that K likes his shows. (Mostly, I like anything he likes, because I like to see him happy.) But, at the same time, I am older, I know that sitting all day in front of a screen does not present the best quality of life. I want K to gain enjoyment from the outdoors, from reading, from exploring physical manipulations, ect... and by allowing him free and unlimited access to the tv/computer, I DO get a child who does all those other thing I prefer. WithOUT the tears, or conflicts, or punishments, or boundaries, or rules, that might otherwise seem necessary.
Showing posts with label freedom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label freedom. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Obedient Children
So, there's a pretty awesome article up on Attachment Parenting.org that seems to have everyone in a tizzy. Titled, I Am Not Raising Obedient Children, it articulates my own thoughts on the subject perfectly.
I do not want a passively obedient child. I want a child who thinks for himself and chooses his actions out of preference rather than my say-so. That might mean that he learns socially appropriate behaviors by FIRST acting (as others would call it) disobediently. So, like the author of this excellent article, I would indeed prefer my child act disobediently and question my authority.
The comments accompanying this post are, to me, somewhat alarming. It seems that everyone has the same belief; given half a chance, every toddler in the known world will instantly run into the street and die. Avoiding this future is then the primary reason most parents discipline their children and practice a punishment and reward system of behavior modification. Seriously?
The street?
Why is it always the street. Parents seem deathly afraid of the street, and I really can't figure it out. I've mentioned we're car-less? Yes, well, my two year old doesn't seem very keen on playing in the street, and he's never once been punished or disciplined regarding proper roadside behaviors. Yes, when he was younger, he liked to dart into the street. Mostly because he didn't understand the differentiation between a sidewalk and a road. I was mindful of this fact, and kept a close eye on him as we walked to and fro our differing destinations. Sometimes, I had to chase him down. Sometimes, we just talked about the road and cars, and the danger I saw. Sometimes, we noticed dead animals along the side of the road and they served as excellent natural examples of why I 'preferred' K walk only on the sidewalk.
It took time. Months in fact, but today, he walks the sidewalk without holding my hand. He stops of his on volition at every cross street and carefully waits for me before continuing across. He notices the cross-walk signals, and even juts his hand out in a stop motion if he feels that a car is edging too much while we cross. He's not quite two and half.
So, the road people? Really...that's the best excuse for why one should utilize punishments and rewards. It seems a bit weak to me.
The other comment I saw often mentioned was that our children must learn to respect authority because there are certain instances where the parent or caretaker can foresee a dangerous reaction BEFORE the child. Or, they can understand the harm being done by the child's action better than the child...or maybe they just have a better grasp upon compassion than said child. For example, the undesirable behaviors of hitting, biting, or other physical actions that might cause harm to themselves.
So, I don't punish these behaviors, and, so far, we've yet to really experience anything like these. And, honestly, if my kid wanted to hit other children, or otherwise physically harm them, I'd be too alarmed at the emotional state of my child WHO WANTS TO HURT PEOPLE to even consider punishing him. So...I'm not sure what else there is to say about that, but before punishing your child for harming another, maybe the parent's role should be to first understand WHY their child WANTS to hurt said child?
As for climbing too high, or running into the street, or some other action K might undertake that I might foresee has a dangerous consequence, I TELL HIM what I see. I explain how his chosen action might end, and present other choices of behavior or action that might be safer. If he still prefers the dangerous activity, then I either stand by until needed (if he's climbing something high, ect..) or physically remove him from the danger (like a moving car on the road). And, frankly, there's not much trouble with this type of behavior. NOR, do I consider this sort of exploratory, testing-limits, style of behavior to be bad. I think it's good and healthy and simply requires a mindful physical presence on my part. Not too hard really.
And finally, folks seem to think that it's best that we get children used to listening and obeying an authority figure early on because that's just how life works. We don't get to do whatever it is we want to do when we grow up, so why on earth would we teach that this is true to our children?
Well, if you are an anarchist like me, then you DO actually want your child to grow up and see the difference between a free state and a regulated adulthood. And, if you're not an anarchist, then doesn't it at least bother you a teeny tiny bit that you're squashing some part of your child's innate personality and human construct just because. Just because that's...how things are done? hmmm...it's certainly worth some thought.
I do not want a passively obedient child. I want a child who thinks for himself and chooses his actions out of preference rather than my say-so. That might mean that he learns socially appropriate behaviors by FIRST acting (as others would call it) disobediently. So, like the author of this excellent article, I would indeed prefer my child act disobediently and question my authority.
The comments accompanying this post are, to me, somewhat alarming. It seems that everyone has the same belief; given half a chance, every toddler in the known world will instantly run into the street and die. Avoiding this future is then the primary reason most parents discipline their children and practice a punishment and reward system of behavior modification. Seriously?
The street?
Why is it always the street. Parents seem deathly afraid of the street, and I really can't figure it out. I've mentioned we're car-less? Yes, well, my two year old doesn't seem very keen on playing in the street, and he's never once been punished or disciplined regarding proper roadside behaviors. Yes, when he was younger, he liked to dart into the street. Mostly because he didn't understand the differentiation between a sidewalk and a road. I was mindful of this fact, and kept a close eye on him as we walked to and fro our differing destinations. Sometimes, I had to chase him down. Sometimes, we just talked about the road and cars, and the danger I saw. Sometimes, we noticed dead animals along the side of the road and they served as excellent natural examples of why I 'preferred' K walk only on the sidewalk.
It took time. Months in fact, but today, he walks the sidewalk without holding my hand. He stops of his on volition at every cross street and carefully waits for me before continuing across. He notices the cross-walk signals, and even juts his hand out in a stop motion if he feels that a car is edging too much while we cross. He's not quite two and half.
So, the road people? Really...that's the best excuse for why one should utilize punishments and rewards. It seems a bit weak to me.
The other comment I saw often mentioned was that our children must learn to respect authority because there are certain instances where the parent or caretaker can foresee a dangerous reaction BEFORE the child. Or, they can understand the harm being done by the child's action better than the child...or maybe they just have a better grasp upon compassion than said child. For example, the undesirable behaviors of hitting, biting, or other physical actions that might cause harm to themselves.
So, I don't punish these behaviors, and, so far, we've yet to really experience anything like these. And, honestly, if my kid wanted to hit other children, or otherwise physically harm them, I'd be too alarmed at the emotional state of my child WHO WANTS TO HURT PEOPLE to even consider punishing him. So...I'm not sure what else there is to say about that, but before punishing your child for harming another, maybe the parent's role should be to first understand WHY their child WANTS to hurt said child?
As for climbing too high, or running into the street, or some other action K might undertake that I might foresee has a dangerous consequence, I TELL HIM what I see. I explain how his chosen action might end, and present other choices of behavior or action that might be safer. If he still prefers the dangerous activity, then I either stand by until needed (if he's climbing something high, ect..) or physically remove him from the danger (like a moving car on the road). And, frankly, there's not much trouble with this type of behavior. NOR, do I consider this sort of exploratory, testing-limits, style of behavior to be bad. I think it's good and healthy and simply requires a mindful physical presence on my part. Not too hard really.
And finally, folks seem to think that it's best that we get children used to listening and obeying an authority figure early on because that's just how life works. We don't get to do whatever it is we want to do when we grow up, so why on earth would we teach that this is true to our children?
Well, if you are an anarchist like me, then you DO actually want your child to grow up and see the difference between a free state and a regulated adulthood. And, if you're not an anarchist, then doesn't it at least bother you a teeny tiny bit that you're squashing some part of your child's innate personality and human construct just because. Just because that's...how things are done? hmmm...it's certainly worth some thought.
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