Thrifting and Eye Color

 N and I stumbled upon an amazing thrift store in downtown San Francisco a few weeks ago. I love thrift stores. There have been MANY times in my life where I simply haven't had much in the way of spare money. Somehow, the vitals are always covered, but those little splurges on clothing, silly trinkets, and useless pretties can sometimes ONLY exist through a local thrift store.

This particular thrift store is HUGE. It advertises that 4,000 NEW items are stocked each day. Needless to say, the children's section is a thrifting dream. Name-brand clothing for less than a dollar. Ridiculous scores all over the place.

We went back two days ago because there also happens to be an amazing Taqueria across the street. We've been having some chilly weather...nothing unusual for the area, but more than K's wardrobe could handle. So, I was on the lookout for some long pants for K and a sweater or two. When I found the skinny cords in K's size...well...what mother could possibly have resisted? And the train sweater? Found by K in a brief moment of interest in his section. 

 It's always so pleasing when I find clothing that just FITS K's personality to the T. It's really hard to spend money on quality children's clothing when we just spend the day at the park. So, I end up buying cheap t-shirts and sweatpants that don't speak to his individualness at all. Not that I particularly CARE what clothes K wears. It's just that it's very satisfying when I watch him pull together an outfit that clearly pleases him and provides him a true outlet for expressing his individuality.

Also, is it just me, or does he look like he's strutting a model pose?

On a side note, K's eyes are changing color. They used to be a stunning blue. EVERY one commented on them because they were SO gorgeous. These days though, they're edging towards a hazel-grey. N and I both have hazel eyes, so blue always seemed a bit odd, but I'm still surprised to see them changing color at 2.5!

A Disappointing Introduction to Birth

K has a little jeep and trailer that, lately, he's been using to cart around Thomas the Train. His imagination has ramped up in the past few months, and he often plays with this particular jeep while narrating some fantastic little scenario. (loudly...because nothing K does is ever quiet) Which, is all very cute  and disarming until he began to narrates something about 'going to the doctor'.

Well, we don't go to the doctor unless it's a rather dire emergency, so I was a bit puzzled at his continual use of 'going to the doctor' as a scenario for using the jeep and cart. When I finally asked him why he was taking Thomas to the doctor, he responded, "Going to the doctor to get a Baby."


*SHOCK!* (Actually, it was more like total stunned silence while I stared at K with complete and utter disbelief...did that REALLY just come out of MY kid?)

I think I actually had to grit my teeth to refrain from saying something bad.

So, after talking a bit more about it, and digging into WHY exactly he thought one need go to a doctor to get a baby, it turned out that the whole concept stemmed from the movie, Babies.

Seriously...THAT movie convinced my kid that we need doctors in order to bring home babies.

*sigh* He liked the Mongolian birth scene because it involved the woman and bundled newborn riding home from the hospital on a motorcycle. Cool right?

It's not that I've kept any information surrounding birth 'secret' from K, it's just that he's TWO. So, his exposure is along the lines of Big Belly+_____=Baby. Apparently, the blank has now been satisfied by 'doctor' because it all involves the use of an awesomely loud motorcycle.

....

This is all very alarming to me because it's just not how I or N view birth. I don't believe that birth has any place inside a medical establishment outside of life-threatening emergency situations. I think it's a natural bodily process that does not require the 'assistance' of a doctor. (outside of a few emergency situations)

I readily support midwives, doulas, homebirth, and unassisted births and pregnancies.

This is the exposure I want my son to have. It's sad to think that showing him one beautiful movie has already presented birth to him in a way that is just false.

I'm sure his view of things will change as he grows older and his exposure increases, but for now, I'm on the hunt for any and all picture books that illustrate homebirth...or midwifery...or doula work. Any suggestions?

Breaking Glass

First, the cute little child with a 'perfect-sized' GLASS drinking cup enjoying a nice little snack.

Nevermind how many times I explained that one might want to be careful with their drinking glass...(100 gazillion!) that's unimportant. Just know that the glass was indeed dropped and shattered into BILLIONS of teeny, tiny, incredibly sharp, bits.

(that's about HALF the pieces)

This is all blog-worthy in the first place because, honestly, it's mind-BOGGLING how a glass would ever manage to break like that. 

I've always given K sips out of our own glasses, so when he started holding his own cups, I naturally offered him whatever we had around. And, mostly, that meant cups made of...well...glass. We even use glass jars as water bottles. So, we've had our fair share of breakage, but NOTHING like this explosive shattering! 

And, did you catch sight of that floor....yeah...it took a good hour to find all the foot-scratching shards and pick them up. Piece-by-piece. 

Peers

We met up with an old friend and her 2 year old daughter today, and it was just wonderful to see the two kids interacting so happily together. I almost wonder if they remembered each other even though it's been nearly a year since their last playdate. The fact that K kissed her full on the lips as we said good-bye might be a sign that he favors her company ;-)

These days, K doesn't do to well with kids his own age. I'm not really sure what the hang-up is, but it really seems as though he just can't stand to deal with his own age group. Is that a real thing?

He's SO happy to play with older boys and girls, and all the little sharing issues, and squabbles over who can do what with what that manifest themselves among his peers seem to disappear the moment he finds an older child to play with. He actively engages the older children (ages 4-6) in games of chase and tag, and he'll happily play the role of a baby for the older girls who want to play 'house'. It's super cute, but also a little odd.

I think his preference is so strong towards older children because they lack the 'hovering' parent. They tend to run wild over the playgrounds and engage in imaginative play that doesn't have room for a shadowing adult. So, maybe they seem more free and fun? His age group always seems to be encumbered by an anxious caretaker who steps in the moment one child seems displeased with another. It's frustrating to watch because I, obviously, hold the stance that children (especially those in, roughly, the same age group!) are nine times out of ten, perfectly capable of working out their differences without the assistance of an adult. But, it seems that's a minority viewpoint.

Of course, I might feel differently if my kid didn't know HOW to stand up for himself! A vital skill that is seemingly crushed by mainstream parenting. When did speaking your own mind, and refusing to allow another child to take a thing physically from your hand become punishable behavior! Why do we think that children will learn to share and work together peacefully if they are never allowed the opportunity to discover the benefits of these interactions themselves...and PARTICULARLY in comparison with anti-sharing and fighting...something that's simply not allowed for most children.

Gender Issues

So, N and I have been having all sorts of weird discussions lately because of this article. Basically, the parents of a, now-4 month old, baby have decided to keep its gender a secret so that the child might be raised gender neutral until such time as it chooses to claim some sort of gender.

Gender issues are really not my thing.

I know that they are important, and I certainly believe that a person ought to be able to express themselves in whatever manner they choose, but beyond that, I'll be honest and admit that I really just don't have an opinion.

BUT, this article has led to some interesting discussions. I don't think we ever really pressured K into claiming that he is a boy, but he will assure us at least two or three times a day that he is, "a Big Boy." And, ordinarily, that wouldn't bother me, because as his genitals will tell, he is in fact male...and we call male children boys, so...there. Except that lots of people believe that society has assumed stereotypes of male and female that, maybe USED to be true (so you could associate masculine traits with Male and more feminine traits with Female) but are no longer necessarily applicable. And, some go so far as to call this a damaging part of our society that really ought to be given more consideration...particularly when raising children.

K has long hair...and he doesn't want me to cut it. He likes his hair, he calls it both "pretty" and "neat". He occasionally wears it up high in a pony tail. For this, he gets mistaken as a girl. It really doesn't matter how much his clothes scream BOY!! it's the hair that fools everyone. In fact, it's such a common mistake, that I don't even bother to correct people anymore unless I'm truly engaging them in a meaningful conversation or intend to see them again. K really doesn't mind.

K has been asking for a 'princess dress' by which he means any dress with a twirly skirt. I haven't exactly been REFUSING to purchase one for him, but I have gone out of my way to distract him from his interest whenever I notice him admiring the clothing in the girl section. I've been feeling a bit guilty about it because I really and truly am not bothered by him wearing a dress. But, I dread all the talk among the regulars at the parks we frequent...the ones who know that my child is a boy.

But, now, this article has had me reconsidering my dread about putting K in a dress of his choosing. And, if he wanders over to the girly side and requests a "beautiful princess dress" again, I probably will get it for him. And, if he wants to wear it to the park, well, then, by all means. After all, whoever really decided that dresses are 'just for girls'?

Idk, it's a weird thing because it's one of those topics that I just don't have much of an opinion on outside of, "do whatever you want so long as it doesn't hurt me".

It leaves me fairly passive.

If K ends up gay, or bi, or transgender, or whatever, I really just won't care. I'll still love my baby just for being. I teach him to respect all sexes, all gender associations, and to recognize the marketing that DOES target gender specifics...but I don't think I'm behind the whole disassociating him altogether from his sexual gender.

What do you think?

Obedient Children

So, there's a pretty awesome article up on Attachment Parenting.org that seems to have everyone in a tizzy. Titled, I Am Not Raising Obedient Children, it articulates my own thoughts on the subject perfectly.

I do not want a passively obedient child. I want a child who thinks for himself and chooses his actions out of preference rather than my say-so. That might mean that he learns socially appropriate behaviors by FIRST acting (as others would call it) disobediently. So, like the author of this excellent article, I would indeed prefer my child act disobediently and question my authority.

The comments accompanying this post are, to me, somewhat alarming. It seems that everyone has the same belief; given half a chance, every toddler in the known world will instantly run into the street and die. Avoiding this future is then the primary reason most parents discipline their children and practice a punishment and reward system of behavior modification. Seriously?

The street?

Why is it always the street. Parents seem deathly afraid of the street, and I really can't figure it out. I've mentioned we're car-less? Yes, well, my two year old doesn't seem very keen on playing in the street, and he's never once been punished or disciplined regarding proper roadside behaviors. Yes, when he was younger, he liked to dart into the street. Mostly because he didn't understand the differentiation between a sidewalk and a road. I was mindful of this fact, and kept a close eye on him as we walked to and fro our differing destinations. Sometimes, I had to chase him down. Sometimes, we just talked about the road and cars, and the danger I saw. Sometimes, we noticed dead animals along the side of the road and they served as excellent natural examples of why I 'preferred' K walk only on the sidewalk.

It took time. Months in fact, but today, he walks the sidewalk without holding my hand. He stops of his on volition at every cross street and carefully waits for me before continuing across. He notices the cross-walk signals, and even juts his hand out in a stop motion if he feels that a car is edging too much while we cross. He's not quite two and half.

So, the road people? Really...that's the best excuse for why one should utilize punishments and rewards. It seems a bit weak to me.

The other comment I saw often mentioned was that our children must learn to respect authority because there are certain instances where the parent or caretaker can foresee a dangerous reaction BEFORE the child. Or, they can understand the harm being done by the child's action better than the child...or maybe they just have a better grasp upon compassion than said child. For example, the undesirable behaviors of hitting, biting, or other physical actions that might cause harm to themselves.

So, I don't punish these behaviors, and, so far, we've yet to really experience anything like these. And, honestly, if my kid wanted to hit other children, or otherwise physically harm them, I'd be too alarmed at the emotional state of my child WHO WANTS TO HURT PEOPLE to even consider punishing him. So...I'm not sure what else there is to say about that, but before punishing your child for harming another, maybe the parent's role should be to first understand WHY their child WANTS to hurt said child?

As for climbing too high, or running into the street, or some other action K might undertake that I might foresee has a dangerous consequence, I TELL HIM  what I see. I explain how his chosen action might end, and present other choices of behavior or action that might be safer. If he still prefers the dangerous activity, then I either stand by until needed (if he's climbing something high, ect..) or physically remove him from the danger (like a moving car on the road). And, frankly, there's not much trouble with this type of behavior. NOR, do I consider this sort of exploratory, testing-limits, style of behavior to be bad. I think it's good and healthy and simply requires a mindful physical presence on my part. Not too hard really.

And finally, folks seem to think that it's best that we get children used to listening and obeying an authority figure early on because that's just how life works. We don't get to do whatever it is we want to do when we grow up, so why on earth would we teach that this is true to our children?

Well, if you are an anarchist like me, then you DO actually want your child to grow up and see the difference between a free state and a regulated adulthood. And, if you're not an anarchist, then doesn't it at least bother you a teeny tiny bit that you're squashing some part of your child's innate personality and human construct just because. Just because that's...how things are done? hmmm...it's certainly worth some thought.

Where Do Babies Come From

Last night, I asked K where babies come from. After much thought, he replied that they lived on a BIG mountain with a monster. When I asked if the babies were scared, K very seriously answered that they were not, but that they still ran REALLY fast down the mountain to their Mommies.

Interesting...

Toddler Friends

K has begun to grasp the idea of 'friend', and he's been making N and I feel a bit guilty because, frankly, he doesn't HAVE any little friends. He plays with tons of kids whenever we go to the parks, or...anywhere really, which is all good and fine, but it's not the same as a consistent playmate. I don't want to pick his friends for him, but it's INCREDIBLY hard to make playdates when all I have to go by is a few passing words with the mother or father of a little kid he's happened to play nicely with at the park. Maybe I'm just not as forward as I could be, but I always seem to "miss" my chance at arranging a playdate, or K suddenly decides that he hates the little boy or girl he's been playing SO nicely with just five minutes before.

So, I decided that it might help if we got ourselves on more a consistent schedule of whereabouts. As it is, I decide where we'll go each day literally as we walk out the door. That way, I can judge K's temperament for the day, my own preference, the weather, ect...before making anything like a plan. Which, is all fine and good, but means that we're not very consistent at running into the same playmates at the park.

But, that's REALLY HARD. The East Bay area is SO huge, and SO wonderful, and SO much fun to explore that I just can't seem to commit myself to any one area of it.

So, then, I decided that I'd try committing to two storytimes a week that are supposed to be WONDERFUL for kids K's age and super conducive to meeting other parents in a more conversational atmosphere. BUT, it turns out that K has developed an avid hatred for all things pertaining to storytime. The moment I say the word 'storytime', he literally begins to sulk and scream, "Maybe I don't LIKE storytime!".

We got up SUPER early (for us) this past Tuesday to make it to a storytime that I was SURE he would love. It's run by a really fun Dad, involves LOTS of singing, and is filled with 30 or so kids all roughly K's age in a great little neighborhood. While all the other little kids sang songs, listened to stories, and played with toys in a back room designated for storytime, my kid sat in the children's area playing with a puzzle absolutely SCREAMING anytime I mentioned checking out the storytime. *SIGH*

Needless to say, we left once he was done with the puzzle, and I think I'll be forgetting about storytimes for quite a while.

Actually, though, I think his problem with storytimes is the whole stuck in a room thing. He's VERY into open space and free expression right now, and I think that anything structured is just not going to appeal to him for a little while. Which, is fine. It just might make finding a 'friend' a bit harder.

But, as I mentioned to N, clearly he's not THAT desperate for a special playmate or else he would have run right in to a room filled with little toddlers singing songs and dancing!

*A side note here for grandma ;-), We did make playdate arrangements with a little girl we met at the local unschooling group, and I DID catch up with an old friend of ours from our last trip down this way, and we should be playing with her and her little girl sometime next week. Fingers crossed that K still adores this little girl! 

Strollers

If there's one thing I've learned after becoming a mother, it's that parenting is a constantly adjusting relationship that relies upon an open communication between parent-child. Some days, I feel that everything I knew satisfied K's every need and desire the day before no longer applies. He's grown up, or he's in a different mood, or he just has differing opinions than the previous day. It's hard not to find that frustrating, but, at the same time, I'm pleased that my child doesn't operate like clock-work. He's human just like me, and I know for certain that I have a spontaneous streak and a need for exploring that which is new and 'different'.

And so it was that (pretty much from the moment I wrote my last blog post on K's sudden ability to 'walk'), he reverted back to old behaviors of adament refusal to walk. I carried him around for a while, and, when the physical limitations of hauling around a very heavy toddler forced him to walk, he would follow behind screaming and crying as though I'd just beat him. *Sigh* It's SUPER fun to walk around downtown when you have a toddler trailing behind that is screaming, "Carry ME! I can't walk! Make me feel better!"

So, I've finally swallowed the last of my residual hatred toward strollers, and resigned myself to following K's lead in walking just as I have in every other instance of parenting. I've always been hardcore into babywearing, so there's always been this feeling of giving-up or committing some atrocious mis-step in baby development by using a stroller. Which is probably why we seem to have purchased more strollers than I would have thought possible in 2.5 years. As soon as there's some sign that K might walk a bit further than the month before, we get rid of stroller (it's actually more like we move every few months, but STILL it's the general idea).

There's also this whole lifestyle thing that sort of forces a stroller on us. We have been car-less for nearly a year and a half, and it looks like we'll be staying that way for quite a while. So, I have to be able to get groceries, books, toys, house-hold goods/EVERYTHING a family would ordinarily buy/accumulate without a car. Which makes plodding along at toddler pace (while he screams!) fairly...un-fun.

But, mostly, I've just decided that it doesn't jive with the rest of my parenting philosophy to expect K to walk when I want (or need) him to walk. Certainly not when there's an easy solution to the whole shindig. He's clearly CAPABLE of walking most of the distance that we cover each day, but that doesn't mean that he should HAVE to. I expect that some day he will WANT to walk for the freedom ect.. that it grants him, but that doesn't mean he should make that choice at two and a half.

So, I'm swallowing a huge lump of expectations and frustration and following K's lead. We went out together and purchased a nice brown umbrella stroller that should last us another year or so. The thanks I received was worth it too. All day today, K kept turning around and asking, "It's a great day Mommy?"

Clearly, he's able to tell that something has moved on for me. There will be no more fights over walking, no more screaming for unnecessary reasons, and more FUN.

A few Shocking Moments

This past weekend, N and I accidentally walked in on a modern-day sweat shop. It was a fairly awkward moment...dozens of immigrant women halted in the middle of their sewing to stare in clear alarm at our intrusion. We all stared at each other for a long moment, before we apologized for the intrusion and ran out the door. I'm well aware that 'sweat shops' still exist, but it was rather shocking to find one downstairs from a community resource center in downtown San Francisco. It was most definitely not a place I could ever imagine working...for any wage really, although I will admit that it was clean, only moderately "too warm", and there didn't appear to be a ruthless boss hanging around anywhere. Maybe modernization has extended to the sweat shops as well?

On the news last night, N and I watched hundreds and thousands of people cheering over the news that Osama Bin Laden had been killed by American troops. Seriously? Isn't that a little creepy? A little propagandized to place 9-11 squarely on the shoulders of one man and then hunt him down for nearly a decade? AND THEN, to have open celebrations by the masses over his murder? Shocking.

Last night, I wanted K to come to bed with me a bit earlier than he's been going down. I was tired from a busy day out, and his Curious George show was playing a bit too loudly for me to get to sleep, so I asked him to turn it off and come to bed. He responded by opening his hand in a high five motion and saying, "Actually, five more minutes on." Shocking to find that my son has already developed a strong taste for bartering. (AND that he used "actually" and "five minutes" correctly!)

Nursing at 28 months

I've been nursing for over 28 months now, and I must confess that I'm no longer very accommodating during the middle of the night. K is a rather exuberant sleeper, he likes to move all night long...he does a bit of kicking, a bit of twisting and turning, quite a LOT of sideways sleeping (pushing N and I to the very edges!), and, when nursing, more fondling of my breasts than I can handle. That's not really true, because, clearly, I still AM nursing, it's just that I reach a "We're all DONE with milk NOW!" point pretty early on. Because, as I mentioned, K can't seem to nurse at night without constantly moving his fingers in exploration all over my chest, my belly, ect... It becomes a bit nerve-wracking. In fact, for the past two nights, I've been sleeping with a protective hand over my 'free' breast. That's probably pretty weird, but I bet a lot of nursing mothers have done it before me ;-)

I'm sort of proud of myself though. Ever since I passed the 12 month mark, I've wondered when I would begin to feel 'done'. Not that I AM done, just that I'm clearly beginning to nurse only for K's sake rather than for the benefits both he AND I received. (think emotionally wonderful bonding moments with fuzzy borders.) Nowadays, I'm more prone to pull away from K and turn over before he's quite done nursing OR getting to sleep. Which, interestingly enough, K doesn't seem to mind TOO much. 

So, I'm pleased to see that there really IS a natural flow to this sort of thing when left to the exclusive world of mother and child. Child grows to an age where the the benefits of breastmilk are minor (compared to the infant stages), and mother and child together reach a point at which a weaning process begins. Because, really, that's what's going on here...ever since the introduction of solids, K has been weaning. And, now, the ride is about to get a lot quicker because Mum is nearing an end. 

I'm proud that I've never been swayed on this issue. (weaning early I mean) I mean, it's pretty annoyingly, odd-feeling to nurse a kid k's age in public. But, I still do. And, maybe it's weird that K still relies (a good part) upon nursing to get himself to sleep, but I trust that, given time, he'll figure it out.  

Not that I actually believe we'll be done nursing before he turns 3. He's still pretty attached, and, truthfully, I still rely HEAVILY on nursing as a cure-all. Which, really, is totally fine. 

A Walking Two Year Old

I used to have a boy who did not walk. That's not entirely true, he COULD walk, he just didn't see the point in walking from point A to point B in any sort of useful manner. Rather than wait out the eternity it would take to walk to the grocery store at 2 year old pace, I got into the rather bad habit of scooping him up and carrying him to wherever I was trying to go...even if this intended destination was a playground or similar place meant primarily for K's entertainment. BAD HABIT!

Once I came down with this semi-debilitating stomach bug from the trenches of hell, I found myself utterly incapable of carrying K anywhere. He screamed for a while...rather pitifully trailing behind N and I while we shuffled to the next door grocery store for soup and saltines. Nevermind the fact that we were very rationally explaining why it was simply impossible to expect that either of us could carry him the few remaining feet to the store. We explained about bellyaches and feeling sick, and helping Mommy and Daddy out to pretty much no avail.

And then, N and K went on a walk together. It required some heart to heart discussion about helping Mommy out and now my boy walks. Not only walks!, he occasionally RUNS. (I have a feeling there was some candy involved, and I'm sure the few days of being shut in with sick parents shed a new light on self-mobility.)

Yes, there's still some whining...but we take it slow, and we have only been walking to short destinations that are entirely worthwhile for K (i.e. playgrounds), so there's been REAL progress.

Yesterday, we were waiting for the local metro rail to take us home when I overheard a mother scream at her daughter, who looked roughly K's age, to walk. I know the feeling all too well. Is there ANYTHING more frustrating than KNOWING your child can walk and yet refuses leaving you with either a tantrum situation (PLUS no walking) or a passive 40lb dead weight to carry? Apparently this is why everyone uses a stroller until the kid's school-aged! (Note: I'm not agreeing with the screaming solution, just sympathizing with the general feelings of frustration a toddler's refusal to walk can invoke in the hardiest of parents.)